Embracing life to the full… Including questions, challenges, joys and adventures
Insecurity, heresy and searching for a church… what do they have in common?? Well, they combine some of the things that are swirling around in my heart and mind this morning… Sunday… when we used to be participating in church on a regular basis…
My morning quiet time started by spending time with the Lord in prayer and reading 2 Thessalonians… after picturing the second coming of Christ I once again realized I have a lot of questions… This is one of the reasons why being a part of a church community is so important… so we don’t have to figure this stuff out on our own.
After further prayer and reflection I moved on to one of the books I’m currently reading, Unladylike by Pam Hogeweide. I’ve identified at some level with almost every page written in her book.
Sometimes I laugh
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I get angry
Sometimes I find courage
Sometimes I develop more questions
In the book she quotes from Kathy Escobar’s blog where Kathy is stating some of her beliefs and confronts the idea of being called a heretic… Kathy wrote:
Immediately after reading this I ran and got my lap top. I planned to post this list of bullet points in efforts to say,
“See, this is what I think too! Having these thoughts contributes to why I’m scared to find a new church community.”
I realized that I am afraid to be shamed for my possible heretical convictions… I’m afraid to bridge conversations with people who are going to question my love for Jesus because I believe these things. These fears are a part of what keeps me stuck at home in front of my computer screen on Sunday mornings instead of venturing out to find a new community of faith…
I also had another, more raw, motivation for putting these things out there… This motivation came from wanting to say,
“See… I’m not the only one who believes these things!! Those of you who doubt me or disagree with me, Go shove it!”
Not sure if that statement comes from the Jesus I follow…
So, before posting these words I decided to visit Kathy’s blog.. WHICH IS AMAZING!! and I found this post about insecurity and security, where she states:
secure people don’t need to convince people of their security.
in fact, secure people don’t need to convince anyone of anything.
they embody a groundedness that doesn’t need to get all worked up about things when others see things differently.
insecurity breeds defensiveness and a need to convince.
i do not want to be an insecure person; i want to be a secure one.
not secure in knowing all the right answers to the questions, but secure in feeling loved and okay-just-as-i-am.
for so many of us, security often remains elusive. we care too much about what other people think. we feel unloved and unlovable, we definitely don’t feel okay. we’re always feeling too much or not enough. we only see our flaws and never our strengths. lowly worm theology is easier to come by than being the beloved.
i sometimes wonder what God thinks of all of the insecurity that has been bred in his name.
I don’t want to post things out of insecurity, out of the desire to receive approval from others or out of the desire put other people in their places. But I do need to know that I’m not alone in my struggle towards finding security in Christ as an evangelical woman with leadership gifts and no children.
The truth is, I struggle with insecurity and searching for a church brings this out. I pray that I develop my security in Christ and find a community that doesn’t shame me for the questions and convictions I have. I pray that we become a part of a community that breeds the type of security that Kathy describes… That means taking steps of faith to put myself out there…
Maybe next week.